The Inner Voice
By Dee Kay
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He never really knew what was going on inside his head. He was just too emotional for his own good. Things were just normal outside but inside it was just a big chaos. His emotions are running high tonight and everything around him feels so blue. He did not speak to anyone nor did he felt like writing anything down at the moment. He was just feeling too vulnerable for no reason at all. Maybe it was the loneliness that bothered him or maybe it was the lack of love in his life. He just sat there in his empty room with emptiness filling his heart.
Another pack of cigarettes was finished as he opened a new one. He lit his lighter as the room had a small flame of light. He just stared at the flames burning itself yellow, orange and blue. Things were not right in his life and he was losing the grip over reality. His daydreaming made his expectations sky-high but the reality was far more different. This made his heartache as the things it desire was far-fetched.
“Why am I like this?”, he questioned himself as his mind tries to search for the answers within him.
“I am meant to do great things and great things are meant to happen to me but what is that I lack which makes me go away from everything that I desire?”, he said it out loud but the whole world was busy in their own noises as his words fell on deaf ears.
“I don’t need to act so strong all the time when I know I’m broken inside. Why don’t people understand that all I need is someone who could just love me truly and without any conditions”, he kept on talking.
“Am I so difficult to love ?”, he screamed at the world outside his window as if expecting a reply. The busy street made sure his voice was unheard of.
“I don’t want to give up on myself again but I’m so tired of fighting alone. I’m tired of making people understand everything. I’m tired of trying to make people love me. I’m just too tired of it all.”
The streets outside the window was roaring with the sound of speeding vehicles. His words were nothing more than another unwanted noise in the crowd. He just sat there alone taking deep puffs of his cigarettes as he killed himself slowly by taking in the toxic smoke from the cigarette.
He laughed at his helplessness as for the world he was such a funny but strong person to whom they can lean on and unburden their heart’s sorrows. None ever thought about being the shoulder he can lean on to make his pain disappear.
“So much for being a good person, isn’t it ?”, he asked himself.
“Congratulations man! You just earned yourself a long time vacation with feeling like a loser”,he just mumbled to himself.
The night was getting quieter with each passing minutes and his world was getting darker. The skeletons he hid in his closets were finally getting out. Everything he was ever afraid of was being used against him by his own mind. The world had no clue what was going inside his universe. The chaos was spreading like wild-fire that caught up with winds.
He knew no one would come to rescue him from his own mind. Everybody was too busy with their own fights that they didn’t pay much heed to what was going in his life. The volcano of negativity which had been lingering around to erupt has finally burst out under tremendous pressure. He had no one to blame for it but himself.
He needed some fresh air so he decided to take a walk. He wore his jacket and stepped out of his house after couple of months. He didn’t care to lock the doors. He just kept walking on the unknown roads. He was trying to take out his lighter but along with it the cigarette pack got pulled out and it fell on the road. He just bent down to pick it up when he realized that a speeding truck was very close to him. He left the pack on the ground and dived to avoid the truck. The truck passed him by without hitting him.
His whole body was trembling with stock and fear of death. His mind was blank. His heart was beating so fast that he could feel the heartbeats. His palms were sweating so were his feet.
“You are afraid of death and yet you find reasons to make your life worse than death”, a voice came from within him.
“Yes, you made some mistakes in the past and you will make some in the future. Yes, many have used you for their deeds and many even back stabbed you in the process. Yes, they expect you to be strong not because you have to be but because they all know you will be. That’s your greatest quality. That even after burning yourself down, you bring some rays of hope in other’s lives.”
He just sat there on the roadside thinking about the truth that was spoken to him. That night he just didn’t save his physical self but his consciousness saved him.
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